Giving Up The Dream

I hadn't planned on leaving the house the day before yesterday, but my mother threw a big fit because she wanted me to drop everything I was doing and run out to pick up the iPod she purchased for my ex-fiance for Christmas at Circuit City. She also mentioned that she wanted KFC for dinner. In other words, I didn't have an option.
After leaving the house, I figured I could squeeze a few extra minutes out of my alloted time frame and decided to stop by and see a good friend of mine at work. My timing was almost perfect as she was about to go on break and we spent the next fifteen minutes or so smoking like a freight train and chatting about the past week. For the most part I just listened. My complaints about my mother seemed quite minor compared to her horror story and the drama she'd experienced over the past 48 horus. During the conversation, she recapped a few words of wisdom that she had offered to her daughter in regards to her father. Although unintentional, her advice spread a great deal of light on my own situation.

You have to take people for what they are. You either love them despite their flaws and accept the good with the bad, or you hate them because of their flaws and dwell on the bad. It's all up to you. But, in the case of your father, chosing the latter route will only drive you crazy. He's never going to be the father you need him to be but, love him or hate him, in the end, he's still your father.

My mother is who she is. As spiteful and vendictive and manipulative as she is, the fact remains that she is still my mother. I can accept her and love her despite her flaws or I can hate her because of her flaws. I had the opportunity to completely rid her of my life, but, when my son was born, I chose his needs over my own. I did not feel it was fair to deny him the love of a grandmother because of my own foolish needs. And, as much as it angers me, she is a wonderful grandmother. However, I haven't reached a point in my life, at least not yet, where I can say 'I fogive you' to the woman who has brought me so much pain and agony. My feelings haven't been validated by her or anyone else in my family who witnessed the painful childhood I lived. I haven't gained closure. Until then, I can't honestly say that I love her. In fact, on most days, I hate her. But, for my own sanity, I think it is time that I accept her for who she is, acknowlege her flaws, and finally, after 25 years, give up the dream of the mother I never had.